Oh this is getting interesting. I don't know who the man is but I wouldn't say I'm confused at all, simply intrigued. I'm glad the crow is still there. I enjoy him too. You descriptions are well written and set the scene beautifully without being too much. I liked the transitions between the man and the sad woman. It felt almost cinematic but in a good way.
There was only one thing I wasn't a fan of and that was the poofs. I don't think you need them at all. You could use an ellipse or even just a full stop between. It makes total sense what is happening there.
Geoffrey, this is wonderful. A little confusing at the moment, yes, but in a good way. Because the narratorial voice is confident and consistent, I as reader am happy to be carried along, assured that I'll understand everything – or as much as I need to – in the end.
Possibly more POOF!s than would be to my taste at the end there. It's a bit of a change of register, a bit too cartoony for me and tears me out of this magical world you've drawn me into.
This is just on a first reading, without listening yet to your recording – which I'm looking forward to. It's writing which requires the respect of an uninterrupted read.
I so appreciate you taking the time to read this and to comment. As a writer, you know how important that is.
Another person wrote me to say they found this a little confusing. I took a chance by posting this excerpt from the draft -- particularly since I had another piece about the man and the crow -- but I was curious as to how people might react.
What is particularly telling in your comment is about the tone. I don't think I've yet quite nailed the relationship between the two and the voice of the crow. You are right, the exchange at the end is a bit too divergent from the intense sadness the man has felt from Winifred Godding.
And the timing of your comment is spot on. I am finishing up the latest revision (have to get it to the editor by Monday) and I am very dissatisfied with a reivison of another exchange between the two. For just the reasons you state -- the tone is not quite right.
Oh this is getting interesting. I don't know who the man is but I wouldn't say I'm confused at all, simply intrigued. I'm glad the crow is still there. I enjoy him too. You descriptions are well written and set the scene beautifully without being too much. I liked the transitions between the man and the sad woman. It felt almost cinematic but in a good way.
There was only one thing I wasn't a fan of and that was the poofs. I don't think you need them at all. You could use an ellipse or even just a full stop between. It makes total sense what is happening there.
Well donel This is brilliant!
Lauren,
Thank you so much. Thanks for reading AND responding.
You and Steve are agreed about the Poofs.
I will be rewriting that section. Poofs be gone!
Geoffrey, this is wonderful. A little confusing at the moment, yes, but in a good way. Because the narratorial voice is confident and consistent, I as reader am happy to be carried along, assured that I'll understand everything – or as much as I need to – in the end.
Possibly more POOF!s than would be to my taste at the end there. It's a bit of a change of register, a bit too cartoony for me and tears me out of this magical world you've drawn me into.
This is just on a first reading, without listening yet to your recording – which I'm looking forward to. It's writing which requires the respect of an uninterrupted read.
Steve,
I so appreciate you taking the time to read this and to comment. As a writer, you know how important that is.
Another person wrote me to say they found this a little confusing. I took a chance by posting this excerpt from the draft -- particularly since I had another piece about the man and the crow -- but I was curious as to how people might react.
What is particularly telling in your comment is about the tone. I don't think I've yet quite nailed the relationship between the two and the voice of the crow. You are right, the exchange at the end is a bit too divergent from the intense sadness the man has felt from Winifred Godding.
And the timing of your comment is spot on. I am finishing up the latest revision (have to get it to the editor by Monday) and I am very dissatisfied with a reivison of another exchange between the two. For just the reasons you state -- the tone is not quite right.
Again, thanks so much. It means a lot to me.