Another excerpt from the latest draft of Hiram Falls where The Stranger and the crow come upon some revelations.
Oh this is getting interesting. I don't know who the man is but I wouldn't say I'm confused at all, simply intrigued. I'm glad the crow is still there. I enjoy him too. You descriptions are well written and set the scene beautifully without being too much. I liked the transitions between the man and the sad woman. It felt almost cinematic but in a good way.
There was only one thing I wasn't a fan of and that was the poofs. I don't think you need them at all. You could use an ellipse or even just a full stop between. It makes total sense what is happening there.
Well donel This is brilliant!
Geoffrey, this is wonderful. A little confusing at the moment, yes, but in a good way. Because the narratorial voice is confident and consistent, I as reader am happy to be carried along, assured that I'll understand everything – or as much as I need to – in the end.
Possibly more POOF!s than would be to my taste at the end there. It's a bit of a change of register, a bit too cartoony for me and tears me out of this magical world you've drawn me into.
This is just on a first reading, without listening yet to your recording – which I'm looking forward to. It's writing which requires the respect of an uninterrupted read.